Fear
by gategirl
Summary: Everyone is afraid of something, even the undaunted John Sheppard. But John must fight to overcome his fears, or risk being consumed by them. Story centers around Doppelganger & of course Sheyla.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: Wow, it took me a lot longer than I expected to get this one out. I wanted to do a fic for the episode Doppelganger. I loved that episode as is, but I couldn't help but see the potential for some great Sheyla moments. I love John and Teyla, but they are so not easy to write. I had a lot of moments when I thought I couldn't do the characters justice, I'm still not sure I did, but I hope I at least pulled it off somewhat.

**Disclaimer**: They're not mine. I'm not exactly sure who owns all the rights, but it's not me. I don't mean to infringe upon them in anyway. Some of the dialogue in here is not mine, it's the property of the writer _**Robert C. Cooper**_, who I have nothing but respect for and mean no infringement on either.

_Happy reading!_

_----"I believe one of the hardest things you can do is conquer your fears, but if you have a goal, then it's your job to open up and let it be real no matter how scary it seems." -----_

* * *

"This is Colonel Carter. If I could have your attention please. I'm very sorry to have to tell you that we have lost a valuable member of the expedition today."

* * *

Teyla sat on her bed listening, her heart feeling tighter with every word. 

Kate Heightmeyer had been someone that Teyla had come to think of as a friend, someone other than Dr. Weir and the members of her team she could trust. She was someone who had accepted Teyla unconditionally.

* * *

"Doctor Kate Heightmeyer meant a great deal to all of us. Her death is nothing short of tragic," Sam continued, for the first time fully feeling the burden of command weighing heavily on her shoulders. 

She thought briefly back to her time at the SGC and Jack O' Neill. Had it been like this for him? Had the responsibility for the lives of the people in his command weighed this heavily on him? Her heart ached in her chest. She missed him, missed his guidance and support. If only he were here.

* * *

John sat in his quarters, his commanding officer's words echoing in his ears. He felt each word of well meaning comfort pierce into him like shards of glass.

* * *

"I'm also sorry to have to report that the threat we face is still in our midst and until further notice, the full lockdown protocol will remain in effect. Try to remain calm. We are doing everything we can to ensure everyone's safety and to resolve this situation quickly. Thank you."

* * *

John lay on his bed, his mind spinning. A few days ago his world was normal. A few days ago everyone he cared about was safe, as safe as life in this galaxy could be. But today everything was upside down, turned on its ear by a damn glowing rock. 

One touch.

One touch he'd give anything to take back.

Dr Heightmeyer was dead, everyone he'd ever cared about was in danger, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

John growled in growing frustration, sitting up straight in his bed.

He got to his feet quickly as a surge of anger swelled through him. He couldn't just sit around and wait while the people he loved were in danger. He needed to do something, anything.

John's thoughts turned suddenly to Teyla. He knew she would be grief-stricken. Dr Heightmeyer had meant so much to her. They had grown so close over such a short time.

He wanted to go to her, comfort her. But he knew he couldn't.

She had looked at him as though he were a stranger, the nightmares that plagued the restless night before tainting all they had once shared. She was afraid of him. He could see it in her eyes.

'You were the big bad monster.'

John felt Ronon's words ricochet through him. She wouldn't want to see him, to be confronted at a time when she was grieving the loss of a friend with the face of her nightmare, and the cause of that loss.

John sat heavily on the bed, his heart leaden in his chest. Seeing him was the last thing she needed right now. She needed time, and space away from him.

But he needed to see her, to make sure she was alright. His heart lurched painfully in his chest and he got to his feet, walking over to his door. He waved his hand over the sensor that would open the door, watching silently as the doors slid open with a soft whooshing noise.

John's eyes met Teyla's, a look of surprise passing across his face. He hadn't expected to find her on his doorstep.

"I was just about to come and see you ...," he said hesitantly. "But I wasn't sure if you wanted to see _me_," John finished quietly.

Words wouldn't come for her, they stuck in her throat. When she had left her quarters she hadn't known where she was going. She only knew she didn't want to be alone anymore. The constant silence of her room was causing her mind to spin in circles. Wondering if she could have saved Kate. If she'd just been stronger…

Teyla stood inches from him, the one person in the entire galaxy she truly needed, her heart so clenched with emotion that all she could do was stare. Her body moved of its own volition, instinctively knowing where she needed to be. Teyla's arms moved around him, her head lying gently on his shoulder.

Hesitantly, John's arms circled her, holding her to him as she cried.

* * *

Zelenka walked into Colonel Carter's office, finding her sitting at her desk. She looked up at him as he entered. 

"Uh, Colonel Carter? Excuse me. I think I've managed to calibrate the city-wide sensors."

Sam felt a small sense of relief at the words. Knowing, that however small, it was at least progress in finding a solution to their situation. At least now they could track it. She got up from her desk and followed him out into the control room.

"I mean, if it is working properly, you know. We had some trouble with the, um ..." He waved his hand dismissively, not bothering to explain as they reached the screen that displayed the sensor readings.

"We have a positive reading."

Sam looked at the screen, seeing a red dot blinking in front of her.

"Do we know who that is?" She asked, her eyes darting from the screen to Zelenka.

* * *

The doors to the isolation room opened and Teyla walked in to see Mckay inside. "You wanted to see me?" Teyla asked, her eyes traveling around the isolation room. 

The walls were covered in a strange black material that she was not quite sure of. "Rodney?" She said, a note of fear registering in her voice. What was going on?

"I'm sorry Teyla," McKay said looking like he'd just swallowed a dose of citrus.

"I have to go," he said quietly walking around her and out the door.

Teyla swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and glanced up at the observation room, her eyes meeting John's.

* * *

"It's in Teyla?" John asked, already knowing the answer but not truly believing it. He felt sick with fear. He knew what the alien inside Teyla was capable of. And he knew he couldn't do anything to help her. 

"The isolation room has been lined with insulating material to prevent the entity from transferring out of her and into someone else," Sam said looking down at Teyla.

She remembered a time, not so long ago, that she had been in a similar situation. Some nights she still woke up in a sweat, seeing Jack's face as he shot her with the zat. Sam shook her head, clearing it of the memory.

"If we're right, we've got it trapped," Dr. Keller said.

John felt rage well up inside him, with himself, the situation, and the well meaning women standing beside him in the observation room. He tried to calm himself, doing his best to deal with the feeling before he spoke.

"Yeah, but that doesn't help Teyla much does it?" He asked, a note of anger still registering in his voice.

"If this thing kills people in their sleep…" John let his words trail off, the idea too horrific to think about.

* * *

"Do you think it knows it's trapped?" John asked walking into Sam's office with her. Sam leaned against her desk, watching as he paced across her office. 

"I don't know why?"

"Maybe there's a way to ... I don't know, reason with it," John said uncertainly.

Sam felt a small smile pull at her lips. "Being in Doctor Weir's old office made you think of that, didn't it?"

"Normally I just _shoot_ the bad guys," he said feeling frustration welling inside him.

Sam felt a ghost of a smile form on her lips. She could see so much of Jack in John Sheppard sometimes it was uncanny.

Sam looked up as Ronon and McKay walked in to her office.

"There has to be something we can do," McKay said, his eyes traveling from Sam to Colonel Sheppard.

McKay felt a special connection with everyone on Atlantis, he saw himself as their guardian angel watching over them and protecting them even when they didn't know it. But there were a few people, a handful of people on Atlantis that he would gladly give his life for. Sheppard, Ronon, & Teyla were part of that group. He would do anything for any one of them.

"That's what we're talking about," Sam said turning back to face John.

"OK, let's say for a second that you _could_ somehow communicate with it. What were you planning on saying?"

"I don't know. I hadn't gotten that far," John admitted wistfully.

"It strikes me that if it feeds on fear or worse… likes the thrill of killing its host, then ... it would take the last chance it had…," Sam let her voice trail off.

"To kill Teyla," John finished, his heart plummeting into his stomach.

The words left a sick feeling inside him, a feeling that had him fighting the urge to run to her as fast as his legs could carry him, just to make sure she was still alive.

"We could give it a chance to leave," McKay said suddenly. "To go home."

"Back into the crystal," Sam said.

John looked from Sam to Rodney, hope building inside him. "Sure. Why not? Send it through the gate back to its planet."

"I've heard of people being talked through waking dreams before. Maybe -- maybe Teyla can be hypnotized into a state where she could somehow communicate with it," Sam said.

"I'm sorry. What? You want Teyla to ask this thing to leave?!" Ronon said, speaking for the first time since he walked into the room.

Ronon had never been good at this kind of thing. He wasn't much good in a situation that didn't call for him shooting something. But Teyla was like a sister to him, and she was in trouble, so he tried to understand and help in anyway he could.

"She was pretty shaken up after her first encounter with the entity. You should've seen the way she reacted to Colonel Sheppard," McKay spoke up.

"She is up against a creature apparently capable of manipulating her subconscious," Sam agreed, her brain working overtime to come up with a solution.

"I wish there was a way for one of us to get in there," John said musingly.

"Into Teyla's dreams?" Sam asked, her eyes gleaming at the possibility.

"Yeah, you know, help her out; give her a little moral support. Come on -- all the things you've seen, you've never come across a way for one person to get into another person's dreams?"

Sam smiled, an idea taking shape in her mind.

* * *

John lay on a bed a few feet from Teyla, his mind racing. He had to do this, he owed her at least this much. But he couldn't help the fear that filtered through his bravado. It wasn't something he was looking forward to, seeing himself as she saw him, watching as his double tormented her.

* * *

Sam, Ronon and McKay stood in the observation room watching as Dr. Keller, Zelenka and a few other scientists in hazmat suits set up equipment. 

"We first encountered the technology ten years ago on a planet where the survivors of a holocaust were living entirely in a virtual world created in their minds. Since then, we've managed to modify it for use in the V.R. training of S.G. team members. It only took some minor calibrations to tune it in to subconscious activity," Sam explained to the two men standing next to her.

"So Sheppard is actually gonna see Teyla's dreams?" Ronon asked, his eyes trained on the two figures below him.

"Well, to be honest, the technology is untested for use in this manner. Dreams are much more random than conscious thought. It may be difficult for the system to translate what's going on in Teyla's brain so that Colonel Sheppard can understand it. I'm just hoping that the two of them will be able to interact somehow," Sam answered.

* * *

"We're ready if you are," Dr. Keller said looking between Teyla and Sheppard. 

John's eyes met Teyla's, holding her gaze to him. There was so much to say, and no time to tell her.

He gave a slight nod to the doctor, his eyes never leaving Teyla's.

"Administering sedative."

* * *

_** Don't forget to hit that review button... How else am I gonna know what you think?**_


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Still not mine, still not trying to infringe on anyone's rights, and still some of the writing in here is the product of **Robert C. Cooper**.

Author's Notes: Thank you all for your wonderful reviews. They are truly what keeps me writing.

Happy Reading!

* * *

Suddenly Teyla is back in her tent on Athos, as if transported instantly into years past, wearing the clothes of her people instead of her Atlantis uniform. 

Teyla looked around the tent. She saw a table positioned on one side of the tent. John was sitting at the table, an assortment of food in front of him. He looked up at Teyla and smiled.

"This is pretty good! What is it?" John asked, the smile never leaving his face. Teyla walked towards the table warily.

"John?" She asked, ignoring his question.

"Yeah," he said slowly. "What's wrong with you Teyla?" He asked raising his eyebrows quizzically at her.

Teyla gave him a small smile in return. "I am fine. Just a little uneasy," she said glancing around the tent, the tight coil of fear contracting in her stomach.

John got up from the table and walked towards her. "Everything's okay," he said softly. Teyla looked up into his eyes as he laid his hand on her shoulder and smiled. "Don't worry."

Teyla heard a quiet snort of laughter behind her and spun around to find Ronon standing there.

"I _knew_ you two were gonna eventually hook up," Ronon said smugly.

"We are not hooking up," she said with a glare. But Ronon just smiled at her, meeting her glare with a look of arrogant indifference.

Rodney walked into the tent behind her muttering. "I'm telling you, there's something in here giving off a strange energy reading," McKay said, studying the ancient device in his hand fixedly.

Teyla watched silently as Rodney walked across the tent, feeling her blood turn cold in her veins. She spun around, abruptly finding herself alone in the tent.

Suddenly a man's voice cried out from outside the tent, breaking the silence that surrounded her.

"Teyla!"

Teyla turned, recognizing the voice just as she heard the sound of Wraith Darts swooping over the village.

She knew it wasn't real. Somewhere deep inside her she knew. But she couldn't stop herself from crying out, feeling a cold rush of fear grip her heart.

"Father!"

She hurried toward the doorway of the tent but just as she reached it John opened the door flap and walked in.

Half of his face was contorted, taking on the appearance of the bug like creature that he had almost transformed into. The pupils of his eyes were just slits, his body covered in a rough cloak.

He seized her throat with one hand, pushing her backwards into the tent, and down onto a bench at the table. He glared down at her for several seconds while Teyla stared up at him her eyes filled with terror.

She watched paralyzed as he raised his other hand and plunged it down onto her chest.

* * *

"NO!" John screamed rushing forward. He grabbed for the alien's hand, trying desperately to pull it off Teyla. He pulled with all his strength but the entity was too strong. 

"Fight Teyla," John ordered glancing down at her terror clenched face. He threw several punches, each blow landing solidly across a face that still haunted his nights. He knew all too well the terrifying strength that had flowed through him when he had undergone his transformation, knew the near futility of trying to break his hold on Teyla.

But he fought anyway. Raining blow after blow on his doppelganger, but they barely even registered. Teyla made a small strangled sound, struggling to free herself from the vice grip it held her in.

John swung his leg out in a sweeping kick, at the same time pushing all his weight into his alien twin hoping to throw him off balance.

The alien crashed to the ground, his hold on Teyla broken.

John got quickly to his feet, his alien counterpart mimicking the movement. John stood between Teyla and the alien, his body tensed for action.

Teyla lay frozen on the table, gasping for air, her heart beating wildly in her chest.

John stood between them, his eyes focused on the figure in front of him. "We'd like to give you the chance to go peacefully," John said eyeing his counterpart warily. "Back to your planet."

The alien looked at him, slowly contorting the features of its face into a sickening imitation of a smile, before starting towards him.

John swung, aiming a hard punch for the alien's mid-section. But the alien batted the blow away easily, seizing John's throat in one swift move. He lifted John effortlessly from his feet increasing the pressure on his throat. John clawed at the hand that was clamped across his throat, blackness rapidly closing in on him.

"John," Teyla cried out brokenly as the creature slammed her back against the table, once again feeding on her.

"Teyla." Her name was a strangled cry on his lips, watching helplessly as the life drained from her eyes. Her vacant eyes the last thing he saw before the darkness overtook him.

* * *

John woke up, suddenly finding himself in the isolation room. His face was covered in sweat, his heart racing wildly in his chest. 

Around him he could hear the steady tone of the heart monitor signaling a flatline.

He sat up and felt his heart stop as he looked at the bed beside him, a sick feeling welling up inside.

"What happened?" He heard himself ask, wanting nothing more than for this to be a nightmare, to wake up any moment safe in his bed.

"Clear!" Dr. Keller yelled, placing the paddles on Teyla's chest.

John watched as a nurse put an airbag over Teyla's face, slowly pumping air into her.

Dr. Keller pumped Teyla's chest for a little while longer, then slowly lifted her hands away, the monitor tone remaining unchanged.

The continuous tone bore itself into his head. It was the only sound that John could hear, the rest of the people in the room faded away.

He couldn't feel anything, couldn't breathe. He watched as his world crumbled around him, helpless to save the one person who meant more to him than his own life.

"I'm sorry. I've done all I can. She's dead."

* * *

He couldn't leave her. The thought of her lying on a table cold and alone was too much for him to bear. He sat by her side, too hollow to move, his hands wrapping hers tightly in his. 

'She's so cold.' The thought echoed eerily in his mind. He gripped her hands more firmly to him, as if through sheer will alone he could transfer his warmth to her.

"I'm sorry," John whispered, his head falling to her side.

There were so many things he never got to say, so many opportunities wasted.

"Teyla …," his voice stuck in his throat, the words that he longed to speak died in him.

She would never know.

He felt a hand grip his shoulder and raised his head to see Rodney standing beside him.

"This is all your fault Sheppard," he said, anger radiating from him in waves.

"If you hadn't touched that stupid rock Teyla would still be alive right now," Ronon growled appearing in front of him.

Sam appeared at his side. "I thought you were gonna help her," she said.

"I tried," John said miserably.

"Some friend _you_ are," Dr. Keller said appearing at the foot of the bed.

"Colonel, you've been compromised. I'm relieving you of duty," Sam said looking at him with a mixture of pity and disappointment.

Bewildered, John looked around the room and saw the alien version of himself standing a short distance away, glaring at him.

"Son of a bitch!" John yelled, jumping to his feet. He ran towards his alien doppelganger and hurled himself at him. His momentum threw them both into the wall, plunging them straight through it.

* * *

In the Isolation Room, Dr Keller applied the paddles to Teyla's chest. 

"Stand clear," she called.

Zelenka lifted the airbag clear and Dr Keller shocked Teyla, looking quickly at the monitors as they started to emit the sound of a heartbeat.

Teyla opened her eyes, looking around blearily.

"Oh, it's OK, it's OK. Just try to relax," Dr. Keller said soothingly.

"What is going on?" Teyla asked disoriented.

"Your heart stopped," Keller explained.

"The entity?"

"It's in Colonel Sheppard."

* * *

John and his doppelganger crashed to the floor in front of the active Stargate, the alien lying on his back with John glaring down at him. 

The alien hurled John off and threw him across the floor. They both scrambled quickly to their feet.

"You can quit now. I'm not afraid of you," John said facing his doppelganger.

"Oh yes you are. I'm the one thing you _are_ afraid of. You failed your friends. You brought this on them and there is _NOTHING_ you can do to stop it," his doppelganger taunted him.

John felt the rage inside him overflow. He would stop this thing from hurting anyone else. Even if it was the last thing he did.

Furious, John rushed at him, aiming a couple of punches but the alien ducked out of the way punching John hard in the face.

They continued to fight but the alien quickly got the upper hand, elbowing John in the neck and then kicking him hard in the stomach.

John doubled up and tried to raise his head, groaning breathlessly.

The alien grinned and went to kick him again. But John ducked back out of the way. They traded a few more blows before the alien delivered a roundhouse kick to John's head, crumpling him to his knees.

The alien waited patiently as John started to haul himself painfully to his feet. But before he had completely straightened up, the alien punched him hard across the face.

John sank to his knees again, groaning. He pulled himself up onto his feet, holding his nose in pain, and stumbled towards the alien swinging a punch at him.

The alien ducked easily out of the way and swung around behind him with the intention of slamming his arm into John's stomach.

But John anticipated the move, swinging around and grabbing his arm he spun the alien around to face him. He aimed another punch at him but the alien blocked it and slammed his fist hard into John's face.

As John reeled back, stunned, the alien grabbed him, picking him up and hurling him across the room. John slammed into the wall so hard that he left a dent in it as he fell.

Barely able to stay conscious, John still tried to push himself upwards as the alien walked casually towards him, smiling. He seized John's jacket and hauled him to his feet before throwing him all the way up the stairs.

John crashed down at the top rolling over onto his back as the alien walked slowly up the stairs.

John sat up and wearily dragged himself to his feet again, unable to defend himself as the alien punched him across the face.

* * *

Dr. Keller looked at John's monitors, alarm spreading across her face. She looked from the monitors up to the observation room. 

"His heart rate is dangerously high. I don't think he can handle much more of this," she said meeting Colonel Carter's eyes, her mouth set in a thin grim line.

"Can you wake him up?" Sam asked, her heart skipping in her chest.

Dr. Keller nodded. "I could try, but in his physical state I'm concerned that would just make things worse."

"Yes, and the entity would still be in him," Zelenka spoke, turning to face the observation room window.

Teyla sat on the bed beside John's, still not fully recovered from her experience with the entity. Her eyes were fixed to his face, every ounce of her willing him to fight the alien inside him.

In the observation room Rodney's mind was working overtime. There had to be some way that he could stop what was happening to Sheppard. John Sheppard had been there for him more times than he could count, and there was no way that he was going to lose his friend to this thing.

He snapped his fingers rapidly, his eyes widening as an idea suddenly sprang into his mind.

"Hook Teyla back up to him," he told Dr. Keller, his eyes lighting with new hope.

"I think I know how to get rid of this thing," McKay said turning towards Sam.

* * *

To review... or not to review ... that truly is the question ... 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Don't own em... sigh ... must we keep rubbing that in? No infringement intended.

Happy Reading!

* * *

At the edge of the Control Room, another punch from the alien sent John slamming into a wall. The alien walked towards him, glaring fiercely.

He aimed another punch at him but John ducked out of the way just in time, the alien's hand slamming into and through the wall. He pulled it out instantly, spinning around and punching John again.

They traded more blows but soon John is punched to the ground again. Resolutely, he starts to stand but the alien back-hands him down again.

John hauled himself to his feet, barely able to stand before the alien kicked him hard in the stomach.

Groaning, John stumbled backwards. The alien leapt into the air, kicking him again, sending him smashing through the railing and down onto the floor of the Gateroom.

The alien took an impossible flying leap off the balcony landing on his feet on the Gateroom floor.

"Get up. Come on, John. _FIGHT!" _His alien counterpart said, slowly stalking towards him.

John lay on the ground, too broken to continue the fight. '_Teyla's dead_,' his mind whispered. '_There's no reason left to fight_.' He couldn't get the image out of his head. It haunted him.

Teyla, cold and lifeless.

_His_ fault.

"No. That's what you want," he answered weakly.

"It's your fault Heightmeyer's dead. Your fault Teyla is dead."

John felt the words settle over him, but the will to fight was gone. It was right, he had killed them. As surely as if he'd pointed a gun and pulled the trigger. It was his fault.

"I am not dead John," Teyla said suddenly appearing behind the alien.

The alien turned in surprise. He glared at Teyla and started towards her.

Teyla stood her ground, waiting until the alien was close enough to land a solid jab to his mid-section before darting out of his grasp.

The blow barely affected the alien Sheppard. He turned to face Teyla a small smile on his lips.

"You can't win."

"Yes we can," Teyla said confidently. No sooner were the words out of her mouth when electricity surged through the alien. He screamed, stumbling backwards.

"What the hell was that?" John asked sitting up and staring in surprise.

* * *

In the Isolation Room, Dr. Keller administered another shock from the defibrillator to John's bare stomach.

* * *

The alien fell to his knees, electricity still arcing through him, groaning in agony. As the electricity faded, the alien gazed blankly ahead of him. 

John got to his feet and walked towards him. The alien looked up at him but was too weak to do anything to protect himself.

John grabbed his jacket, hauling him to his feet and started to spin him around, gathering speed with each rotation. After several revolutions, he built up enough speed and hurled him through the event horizon of the open Gate.

He turned away from the gate and found Teyla staring at him.

"John?" Teyla asked, unsure which Sheppard was standing before her.

"Is that you?"

John walked slowly towards her, pure relief flooding through him. "It's me," he said softly, pulling her to him.

'_She's alive.'_

He hugged her to him, reveling in the feel of her body safe and warm against his.

"I thought you were dead," he whispered stroking her hair.

Teyla felt her throat tighten with emotion. She felt herself lean more into his embrace, her hands moving around him.

"I am fine John," she said softly, her arms pulling him tighter to her.

"We both are."

* * *

He couldn't sleep. 

Every time he closed his eyes he would see her, so pale and lifeless.

He still felt the ache of losing her deep inside him.

John growled in frustration.

* * *

John walked into the gym with the assumption he'd have it all to himself. But Teyla was already there, working through one of her training exercises. 

He stood silently, allowing himself to watch her.

She moved with a speed and determination he had never seen, so caught up in what she was doing she didn't notice his presence for several minutes.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you," he apologized when she stopped mid exercise.

"I'll go," he said turning to leave.

"Wait," Teyla called out.

He turned to see her gathering her things together.

"You do not have to go. I was almost done anyway," she told him.

"What are you still doing up?" John asked.

"I could not sleep, and thought perhaps a workout might tire me," Teyla explained.

"I had the same idea," John confessed. "Did it work?"

Teyla gave him a lopsided grin.

"I fear that I am more awake now then when I began," she told him heading for the door with her bag.

"Wait up," John called, starting after her. "I'll walk with you."

Teyla slowed, waiting until he fell into step beside her.

They walked in companionable silence for several minutes, neither one really sure what to say.

John didn't really know where to start. His heart was in direct conflict with his head. He felt a torrent of emotions swirling inside him.

He couldn't forgive himself. Dr Heightmeyer was dead because of him. And that was something he couldn't change. But his heart begged him to tell Teyla how he felt, to purge himself of the feelings he'd kept at bay for so long.

When he had thought she was dead it had tortured him that he would never be able to tell her how he really felt, to stop running from it all and just tell her. He opened his mouth to say something but before he had the chance to speak they came to her door, stopping in front of it.

She turned to look at him, a small unhappy smile on her lips. "Goodnight John," she said quietly, turning away from him.

She lifted her hand to wave it over the sensor to open her door. Her hand hung frozen in midair.

"I do not want to go in," she said quietly, her hand dropping to her side.

"When I close my eyes …," she let her voice trail off, the anguish of what she had been through robbing her words from her.

"I do not want to be alone," Teyla said turning around to face him.

John's eyes locked on hers, her liquid brown eyes staring into his, pleading with him.

He reached for her then, his body reacting on pure instinct. He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her tightly.

"I'm here," he whispered into her hair.

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Same as before... Don't own them (though they are on every one of my Christmas lists) and so hereto therefore so on and such I do not wish to infringe on anyone's rights.

Author's Notes: I want to thank all of the reviewers. You are truly who I write for. Each of your reviews brings a smile to my face, so thank you.

Happy Reading!

* * *

They stood on a balcony, the night air swirling a gentle breeze around them, the sky bright with thousands of stars, each lost in their own thoughts. Teyla stood beside him, her forearm brushing against his gently as she looked out across the ocean. 

"It feels like a nightmare that I am unable to wake from," Teyla spoke, her eyes glued to the horizon. She took a deep breath, several seconds passing before she spoke.

"How are you doing?" She asked quietly, turning her head to the side to look at him.

"Me?" John asked her, giving her a small smile. "I'm fine. I'm not the one who almost died back there."

Teyla looked at him patiently. "That is not what I meant." She pulled back from the railing and he felt a rush of cold as his arm lost contact with hers.

He stood silent, staring out across the water that surrounded them.

"John." Teyla spoke softly, her voice filled with tenderness. She had only known him for a few years, but sometimes it felt like they had spent a lifetime together. He took such a weight on him, felt so responsible for the people of Atlantis, that she knew Dr Heightmeyer's death was tearing him apart.

She rested her hand on his arm softly, trying to draw his attention to her. "You are not to blame for what happened. No one faults you."

"I do," he said turning to look at her, his voice steely with regret. "I brought this down on everyone. And I have to live with it."

They stood in silence, neither moving from where they stood. Teyla's hand rested on his arm, the warmth of it on his skin sending chills through him.

"I can't get it out of my head," John said, his voice coming out as softly as a wisp of wind.

"What?" She asked softly, her voice matching his volume.

A shiver ran through him as the memory played inside his mind, stuck on the moment he'd thought he'd lost her.

He remembered how it had felt to hold her lifeless hands in his, the terrible emptiness inside swallowing him whole.

"Your hands were so cold," he said, turning away from her and looking up at the sky. "I tried to save you," he told her, his voice breaking. "I tried." His voice faded away, silence settling over them.

Teyla felt her heart break at the pain in his voice. "It was just a nightmare," she told him quietly.

"It felt so real," he whispered back.

"I couldn't leave you. After…," the words stuck in his throat. "I just sat there, thinking of how much time I wasted. How much damn time I spent being afraid. How many times I could've told you. I always told myself that there was time…" He turned around to face her, his eyes locking onto hers.

"It was there, right from the moment we met." His eyes searched hers.

"I can't keep hiding from it."

"John," Teyla said softly, her eyes never leaving his.

John closed the distance between them slowly, his eyes never moving from hers, giving her time to pull away from him. His lips hovered briefly above hers, so close she could feel the imprint of them already on her.

"I love you Teyla," he declared softly.

He moved slowly, deliberately, his lips claiming hers in soft declaration, his hands moving up to frame her face.

Teyla felt her knees weaken, her heart hammering loudly in her chest. She felt as if she had been pulled from a nightmare and into a dream. She had dreamed of him so often in the past few years she could hardly believe it was really happening.

She scarcely dared to breathe for fear that it would wake her from this dream. His lips moved over hers with practiced skill, and she felt suddenly dizzy in the onslaught of emotions cascading over her.

She pulled back from him abruptly. "We must not do this John," she said breathlessly, pulling out of his reach.

Teyla felt the sudden assault of tears forming in her eyes as she forced the words from her lips. She held his eyes for one terrible moment, the hurt and shock that shone in them more than she could bear.

"I am sorry," she whispered turning away from him, tears running down her cheeks.

John couldn't move. He felt numb all over, his heart silent in his chest. "No Teyla. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have …," the words stuck in his throat, his head fogged with pain and disbelief.

He felt the desperate need to flee, to get as far from there as possible. "I should go," he said, trying to make his voice sound normal.

He almost laughed at that. His heart felt like it had taken an entire clip of bullets, and he was trying to act normal. He was as far from normal as he had ever been.

He turned to leave, moving one foot in front of the other. Each step away from her more difficult than the last.

"I cannot lose you John," Teyla said quietly, her head raised to stare up at the sky. Her voice shook tremulously as she turned to face him.

John stopped moving, stopped breathing. He just stood, his back to her, as she walked towards him. He heard her move, the sound of her voice growing closer.

"You, Ronon, & Rodney are all I have left," she began softly. "And I am so terrified."

The admission caught him off-guard. In all the time he had known Teyla, he had never heard her admit to being scared so readily.

He turned to face her. "What are you so afraid of Teyla?"

He stared down into her eyes, the moonlight reflecting on the tears that still glistened in their depths.

"Ruining our friendship," she answered, her eyes falling away from his. "My feelings for you are more powerful than anything I have ever felt," Teyla said softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

"And they grow stronger with each passing moment," she said looking up at him.

"I do love you John," Teyla said firmly, holding his eyes unwaveringly. "But I cannot let my heart make me blind to the consequences," she said her eyes holding fierce determination in their depths.

"If we were to let our hearts lead us blindly, and it ruined what we had …"

John felt all the air rush out of his lungs as swiftly as if someone had punched him. Her words echoed in his ears as he felt a wave of intense relief shudder through him.

"We've lost a lot of people," he said quietly, feeling a lump form in his throat. "And it never gets easier that they're not around anymore." Images of lost friends cascaded through his mind awakening a wound inside him that was still unbearably fresh.

"If there's one thing I've learned in my time here in Atlantis it's that you never know how much time you have. You can't let fear stop you from living Teyla. You can't let it dictate how you live your life," he said staring down into her eyes.

"I let fear keep me from telling you how I felt for too long," he said, a soft smile on his lips.

"I love you Teyla," he whispered.

"And you're not gonna lose me," he promised her.

"No matter what happens."

Teyla looked at him for what seemed like an eternity, her eyes searching his. She felt his words settle over her like a warm blanket, tears running fresh down her cheeks. Her heart swelled inside her, and she closed the distance between them slowly. Teyla raised her hand, cupping his face gently, drawing it down to hers.

"No matter what," she whispered softly before claiming his lips with hers.

* * *

The End


End file.
